It is no wonder I enter this time in my parenting journey with a renewed feeling of worry and fear. This kind of worry in my parenting career seems to be much different then the first nights with my newborns. Making sure each late night that they were breathing, that I could see the rise and fall of their tiny belly's, or the fear that overcame me the first night they slept through the night, as I lay awake wondering if they were alive, unable to sleep during the first chance in months. No this worry is some how different...
For Jr. High was the place where I "went with" my first boyfriend, who asked me to "go with him" via my new friend Shawn at the drinking fountain. I told her Yes and she told him Yes. 2 weeks later Shawn informed me that my boy friend, who I had spoken to two times, no longer wanted to go with me and that his best friend saw me in school and thought I wasn't cute and was breaking up with me, I cried for days.
Jr. High was where I went from girl to woman in one bathroom visit, where I learned that not everyone was all that nice or well meaning, realized that not everyone was open to being my friend, I was not "popular" and memories of feeling socially inadequate lived.
Organization and School work were never as easy as some kids made it look. How did they know what questions to ask? Why did they want to sit in the front row? I was always so amazed at the cool kids who could keep all of their papers in their organized Trapper Keepers, not one paper ever hung out over the top and every thing had a place! How did they do that? Some kids even had their names neatly written in very cool bubble letters on their book covers which never seemed to get worn or spilled on.
No matter how hard I tried I just always seemed to be a mess. My papers were wrinkled, my folders were torn, I frequently forgot to do the homework that was apparently mentioned the day before. And no matter how hard I thought I had worked to complete a project, when I got to school with it and saw the others, I just wanted to hide it or throw it away for apparently I had missed a piece of instruction or the whole point of the project. Assignments were usually late and only done when I realized I had forgotten to do them and my most favorite class was choir.
The truth was I was far less concerned during school about learning, or broadening my mind, and far more preoccupied with who I might go with next, what my friends or non friends were saying about me or why "so and so" was mad at me. I found my self frequently wondering how one does that cool thing with their shoe laces on their Docksider's or gets their hair to feather when all I could muster up was a brillo pad look? Teachers were boring to listen to and anyway, who could sit and listen for a whole hour? Apparently not me, and unfortunately for me the diagnosing of kids, especially girls, with ADHD and giving 504s, was a thing of the future.
I didn't remember having these same thoughts in Elementary school, I liked all of my teachers. I thought I had many friends. I loved making puppets out of wood, filming commercials we had written, memorizing Shel Silverstiens Sara Cynthia Sylvia Stout Would Not Take the Garbage Out...in fact I still remember it! This learning was fun and I was OK at it! Sure I knew that I could not make my colored pencil color a map as beautiful as Leah, but she was a good drawer, I was a good talker! I was never able to get past the 2nd round in a spelling B and I seemed to be frequently in the Pug or Panorama reading groups. But no one seemed to be concerned or treat me much different. There was even a boy who liked me a lot! He wrote me a note asking why I did not like him back - wondering if it was because I was Jewish and he hoped to be pope one day. Well no one except Mr. K....he did point out my lack of care when dressing in the morning.
I will never forget the day all adults became babbling idiots. Seared in my mind was the one rainy day when I realized that my stomach hurt. I went to the bathroom feeling rather crampy and when I was finished (warning: graphic visual ahead) I looked into the toilet and saw a lot of blood and panicked that I was hemorrhaging. So I went to the nurse and explained to her what happened and she concluded that there was a great chance that my "plumbing was backwards" and that I had gotten my period but it was coming out the wrong end. Swear to G-d! I am not making this up! I went home feeling completely beaten down by Junior High. I was unorganized, unable to keep up, I had very few good friends who wanted to be around me for more then one day, some of the girls had even taken to teasing me and leaving me out and now MY PLUMBING WAS BACKWARDS!
I went home early from school upon the nurses request and told my mom. She was of course very concerned and thought we should check it out with the Doctor. After an embarrassing scope up my ass, the doctor informed me that he highly doubted that my plumbing was backwards and assured us that he had never even heard of such a thing and that I probably just had a small tear. 5 months later.....I got my period...and rest assured, it came out of the "right place". Wish I could remember that nurses name...I would friend her now on facebook.
Life Lesson #9 - Sometimes you just have to believe more in yourself and listen to things that just don't feel right. When we are failing or feeling inadequate, asking for help in these situations will often help you to get on a higher road. Staying quiet and wondering what is wrong with you, will get you no where. Just dont ask that school nurse.
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