Travel and whole30...or travel and eating clean while everyone else eats fudge, pancakes and ice cream and grilled cheese...day 10, 11, 12 and 13.
First, let me say, I am grateful for having gone off of sugar for a few days before I started because my cravings are really minimal which helps to make good decisions rather than suffer. When I suffer I get mad, when I make good decisions I feel empowered. I guess that's response vs reaction...huh. This leads to my new theory on hunger which I will share in my next blog.
Travel advice and story!
First thing I did for a week before I left was try to think about my relationship with food as it relates to vacation. Being a foodie at heart, it is usually a time where Mark and I explore new restaurants and for road trips have yummy treats to pass the time. It was something I needed to confront and think of other ways I was going to enjoy this time with my parents and Mark on a plane/road trip to Michigan. So I began to focus on conversations I was looking forward to having, to the adventure of Econo Lodges and my hope for small refrigerators for my lunch bag, and the whole reason for the trip, to see Josh in his happy place. I tried to really focus on all of those things and the fun and delicious food I was going to bring. I also asked myself what would hold me back from enjoying myself and the answer I found was if I was hungry. That did not sound fun at all and so I made sure that would not happen. It all worked. I found that I really could be excited about all of those things and I truly did not think of what I would "not be able to eat or Drink" but rather what I "would" eat and drink. I created intention not only around how I was going to eat but how I was going to enjoy myself in general. It worked.
Second, after setting my intention I began planning my quest for a hunger free vacation. I bought a new thermal, expandable lunch bag from Costco, I boiled eggs, made beef jerky which was delicious, bought fabulous olives,packed avocados, Lara Bars, snap peas and giant Merijool dates. Proteins, fats and greens. Check. I planned out what stores i could stop at to get water, Kombucha, and other fruits and vegies. This little bag was a life saver and made staying compliant really easy. I also was never too hungry and was able to make better decisions because of it. Car eating on a road trip can be fun and I discovered that if you take smoked salmon and put it in the pit hole of half an avocado and eat them together, it is super awesome and is its own bowl!!!
Third, I was not an idiot. I made the decision to not go into the ice cream and fudge stores as it just seemed like a dumb move so early in my sugar free movement. Instead I waited outside in the sunshine, people watched and texted Amy about how her program was going and that I was holding on just fine. This was not hard and I didn't feel like I missed out on anything, again, it just felt like a really good choice.
Fourth, and perhaps the most difficult, eating out. Because I was so early into Whole30 I had not yet had a whole lot of practice with ordering food and seeing my good choices at "Applebees" and "Tom and Cheese - home of the grilled cheese bagel". At Applebees I had to be the annoying customer and ask for my chicken on a Caesar Salad with no dressing, no cheese, no croutons and then look forward to some of my olives and dates from my stash after. At Tom and Cheese, I chose to just not eat there. I went to the grocery store next door and bought compliant smoked salmon and after they ate, I ate as we resumed our road trip. I didn't make a big deal out of it and everyone understood. It was a non issue. I was also please to learn that there is also a lot you can eat at other vacation type restaurants. Take the Pancake Shack...they had great egg dishes with delicious potatoes and hot sauce or the great Italian restaurant in Traverse City where I had a great salad and asked for the thick ragu meat spaghetti sauce with out the pasta. It was amazing.
So my travel was a huge success, not only did I feel great coming home, I started to really notice some big healthy changes going on in my body. Mood, self talk, better fitting clothing. That almost never happens after a vacation!
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Friday, August 7, 2015
Setting out on a journey to make peace with food and body...a new yoga practice
47 years is just a long time to feel like a victim to a passive aggressive, rebellious, tumultuous, self loathing, shameful, love-hate relationship with the food I need and the body I live in. Enough...I choose to change this. And I know I am not alone. This weeks responces to my Facebook posts have opened my eyes to how many of us need to let go of these behaviors that don't serve our minds or our health. I am going off Facebook with this so we can all have deeper more meaningful discussions. I will be honest with you as I go down this path, no one is paying me to do this, but it will keep me accountable. So here goes, as usual, my life out loud..but hopefully you will join me and share along the way.
The first question people have asked me is why. To start, I am going to spare everyone the sob story of why I gained this last round of pounds...cause I just did and I am working very hard right now to disassociate myself from the past 3 years of chronic pain and illness which I like to blame for it. But, in truth, it just doesn't matter why. I gained a whole bunch of weight.... again, and have recently decided that really, really diets don't work. For every diet I have been on, every pound I have lost, I have found 2 more. So I have set out on my own to figure out how to make a permanent change, how to change my perspective about my body and relationship with food. To be neither obsessed with every morsel or rebelling against discipline. This is going to take sometime and has many layers, but I am choosing to get rid of this big behavior that does not serve me. Hey YFT and YS peeps...Sound familiar? This, my friends, is my biggest yoga practice yet.
So on my quest to find a life altering answer, my friend Amy recommended Whole30. I looked into it and was sold when I read something to the effect of " this isnt hard, giving birth is hard..cancer is hard, losing your parents is hard, etc...you can do this". The next selling point was that you are not aloud to weigh yourself!! Holy cows!!! This one is gonna be hard, but is intriguing to me to not have to rely on the scale for reward and punishment...they encourage you to have non scale victories....seems impossible so I love the challenge. Last big one, you eat! You eat good food and don't count calories!!! Really??? Yup...but there are rules...lots of rules. So here I am....Day 10, phase one of 30 days of eliminating and getting at how food effects me, what I rely on and feel I can't do with out, and then doing it anyway. Tapas at its finest...right yogis?
So in this blog I will track how I feel, fun things I am eating and I am hoping people will share along the way. If you are thinking of doing Whole30, go to the website and read, then if you still think you want to do it go get the books, then if you still want to really commit, take 4 days to a week to prepare, clean and shop. Do not do this impulsively...it's not a weight loss diet...although you will lose weight...it's just one of the bonuses of cleaning up your plates, forever...at least that's one I am going for. I am also going to be combining spacific yoga practices to help in the process. Once I feel I am where I want to be mentally and physically. Phase two will begin, staying in the place of clarity with food and body.
Just a note that I want to always give credit where credit is due..so I will give Links to recipes and lessons either here or on my pintrest recipe board. I am not an expert on the Whole30 concept, just a participant sharing my experience.
So that's enough for day 10!!! More tomorrow from Traverse City Michigan on taking whole30 on the road!
The first question people have asked me is why. To start, I am going to spare everyone the sob story of why I gained this last round of pounds...cause I just did and I am working very hard right now to disassociate myself from the past 3 years of chronic pain and illness which I like to blame for it. But, in truth, it just doesn't matter why. I gained a whole bunch of weight.... again, and have recently decided that really, really diets don't work. For every diet I have been on, every pound I have lost, I have found 2 more. So I have set out on my own to figure out how to make a permanent change, how to change my perspective about my body and relationship with food. To be neither obsessed with every morsel or rebelling against discipline. This is going to take sometime and has many layers, but I am choosing to get rid of this big behavior that does not serve me. Hey YFT and YS peeps...Sound familiar? This, my friends, is my biggest yoga practice yet.
So on my quest to find a life altering answer, my friend Amy recommended Whole30. I looked into it and was sold when I read something to the effect of " this isnt hard, giving birth is hard..cancer is hard, losing your parents is hard, etc...you can do this". The next selling point was that you are not aloud to weigh yourself!! Holy cows!!! This one is gonna be hard, but is intriguing to me to not have to rely on the scale for reward and punishment...they encourage you to have non scale victories....seems impossible so I love the challenge. Last big one, you eat! You eat good food and don't count calories!!! Really??? Yup...but there are rules...lots of rules. So here I am....Day 10, phase one of 30 days of eliminating and getting at how food effects me, what I rely on and feel I can't do with out, and then doing it anyway. Tapas at its finest...right yogis?
So in this blog I will track how I feel, fun things I am eating and I am hoping people will share along the way. If you are thinking of doing Whole30, go to the website and read, then if you still think you want to do it go get the books, then if you still want to really commit, take 4 days to a week to prepare, clean and shop. Do not do this impulsively...it's not a weight loss diet...although you will lose weight...it's just one of the bonuses of cleaning up your plates, forever...at least that's one I am going for. I am also going to be combining spacific yoga practices to help in the process. Once I feel I am where I want to be mentally and physically. Phase two will begin, staying in the place of clarity with food and body.
Just a note that I want to always give credit where credit is due..so I will give Links to recipes and lessons either here or on my pintrest recipe board. I am not an expert on the Whole30 concept, just a participant sharing my experience.
So that's enough for day 10!!! More tomorrow from Traverse City Michigan on taking whole30 on the road!
Thursday, September 11, 2014
First Letting go....a rush write the day after
The day she was born I looked
into her eyes and felt a sense of love that I had never experienced or known.
That’s
not how this works, its not how any of this works…These words from my favorite
television commercial keep ringing in my ears as I grapple with sudden emotion. You see I never imagined the grief that comes with the
first launch of a child. I am actually stunned at the rush of emotion I feel.
I
have always taken pride in my ability to see the individual in each of my
children. I was prepared. I encouraged
her to take control in her own life, see her own beauty and assets. I separated
myself from her hurt, fears anxiety. Tying to be the safety net when she fell
but always leading her to her own true light and lessons that life brings. I
held steady in her darkest of times, maybe even a little darker than many, yet I
stood tall even when my world fell away as I witnessed her pain. Knowing that
my job as a parent was not one of
control , fixing or living vicariously, but rather guiding, support and
disciple to learn to lead a life as a caring,
wise, kind, strong and individual. Helping her to see what lies with in, rather
than what I think her life should be.
In
her final year at home I made sure she knew how to take care of her self, how
to have support systems and choose relationships wisely. I thought by doing so
I would feel good and ready for her to leave the nest and let go.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
It turns out my plumbing is not backwards…it’s just that my vagina is "hostile"
It all began with an early miscarriage …. ”Well”, the nurse said with a fraudulent frown, “it happens all the time, don’t be too upset.” Upset? Upset? Of course I was upset! I thought for two weeks I was going to be a mommy and now you tell me "just kidding" and "I guess this one just didn’t hold?" And by the way, it’s going to hurt really bad when it decides it’s time to evacuate. HA! “Hey NURSE it may happen all of the time but it doesn’t happen all of the time to me! So don’t tell me not to be upset!” This was the conversation/tantrum I had in my mind while I really just stood there in the doctor’s office blinking tears onto their carpet and liquid flowing freely from my nose.
I had no idea how to respond to this new form of profound disappointment. Knowing that I was “over sensitive” I wondered if others who suddenly began to bleed at 8 ½ weeks were sad or felt as bad as I did at that moment. But then it happened again and again. Two more times and I just didn’t think I had the heart to take another month of this no matter how sensitive or weak hearted I was. It was just too sad. It was then I realized that I just wanted to be a mom and did not care how it happened and decided that adoption would be the way to go! I had began using a mantra every day that whoever my child was supposed to be, that was already out there, that I was not losing that child every time and I was going to wait patiently until he or she “ arrived”, whatever that looked like. Well wouldn’t you know, it was just then that a new doctor told me “I think you may have a problem that we can fix.” So I diligently took the fertility drugs that they recommended hoping that I would not have triplets or become a raging lunatic, but after several months and several pounds I was now not getting pregnant at all.
“Oh”, the doctor said after 6 months...”we should do a post coital test”
“What? Are you going to actually be there post coitus? Do you evaluate the scene? “, I asked a little shocked
She said “No, of course not, you just come in about 3 hours after you have sex and then we take the sperm out of you and see what they look like, it’s no big deal”.
Again with the no big deals….plus this seemed to me to be counterproductive since I felt I needed all of the sperm I could get and was starting to make my un-tiltable husband upset as I was becoming a little OCD about trying to get it from him all the time! But I did this seemingly ridiculous test anyway, walking into the doctor’s office post “morning coitus” and then getting in the stirrups and giving it all back to her.
That afternoon the doctor calls me with the report. She said she had some very good news! All of the sperm they removed were actually dead. She went on to explain that it seemed due to the drugs they put me on, that my vagina had now become a “hostile” environment and that all sperm are dying as soon as they hit the ground running. At that moment I was unsure if I should feel great shame and remorse for killing Marks sperm or total embarrassment for having a “hostile” vagina. For gods sake…what was the good news? She then told me that this was easily solved by just “bypassing” the vagina all together and “shooting” the sperm directly beyond the cervix. I asked if this required some sort of protective gear and padding on Marks part to achieve and she assured me once again “it was no big deal” all we had to do was show up to the clinic on day 14 and she would take care of the rest.
Day 14 was a sunny Saturday in July, so we went on our Saturday to the clinic and they ask Mark for a “deposit” so they could “wash” and “spin” his sperm before the arranged “drop off”….I wanted to be a big girl about this, my husband in the other room at the doctor’s office, making his deposit, I even tried to help him make the deposit but was politely told by him to leave, because it was too much pressure. So I waited and waited, pacing and when he finally emerged handing the cup through the window to the lab nurse I quickly ran to the window and shouted into the lab “Did he give enough? I don’t want to have to do this again!” She looked at me a bit astonished, as did the rest of the crew, and nicely assured me that it was more than enough and that he was not expected to actually fill the whole cup…phew I thought, good thing. Yes looking back I am ashamed and sorry for my behavior…poor Mark, 6 months of meds had taken their toll and raging lunatic had officially set in.
For the next round, the part where the doctor actually inserts the sperm, not Mark, I wanted to make it as calming as possible, I wore my lucky sweater (in July) and we hit the switch on the boom box to play Ricky Lee Jones “We Belong Together”, I had dimmed the lights and as Mark looked into my eyes and held my hand the doctor said…ok we are done here! Lay here for about 20 minutes and then go home and lay down some more…I will see you in two weeks…and that was it…just like that…no padding or heavy equipment needed…it really was “no big deal”.
The next morning I woke up and turned to Mark and said…oh my god…it worked, it really worked, we are going to have this one. With great compassion and hesitancy he told me he believed me but not to get my hopes up, that it could take several times and besides, it had been only one day…but no matter what he said, I knew he or she had really arrived. 9 months later Annie arrived, safe and sound...no big deal.
Life lesson # 15 - It is important to believe in something greater then ourselves...with a little faith we can get through the "big deal" stuff.
I had no idea how to respond to this new form of profound disappointment. Knowing that I was “over sensitive” I wondered if others who suddenly began to bleed at 8 ½ weeks were sad or felt as bad as I did at that moment. But then it happened again and again. Two more times and I just didn’t think I had the heart to take another month of this no matter how sensitive or weak hearted I was. It was just too sad. It was then I realized that I just wanted to be a mom and did not care how it happened and decided that adoption would be the way to go! I had began using a mantra every day that whoever my child was supposed to be, that was already out there, that I was not losing that child every time and I was going to wait patiently until he or she “ arrived”, whatever that looked like. Well wouldn’t you know, it was just then that a new doctor told me “I think you may have a problem that we can fix.” So I diligently took the fertility drugs that they recommended hoping that I would not have triplets or become a raging lunatic, but after several months and several pounds I was now not getting pregnant at all.
“Oh”, the doctor said after 6 months...”we should do a post coital test”
“What? Are you going to actually be there post coitus? Do you evaluate the scene? “, I asked a little shocked
She said “No, of course not, you just come in about 3 hours after you have sex and then we take the sperm out of you and see what they look like, it’s no big deal”.
Again with the no big deals….plus this seemed to me to be counterproductive since I felt I needed all of the sperm I could get and was starting to make my un-tiltable husband upset as I was becoming a little OCD about trying to get it from him all the time! But I did this seemingly ridiculous test anyway, walking into the doctor’s office post “morning coitus” and then getting in the stirrups and giving it all back to her.
That afternoon the doctor calls me with the report. She said she had some very good news! All of the sperm they removed were actually dead. She went on to explain that it seemed due to the drugs they put me on, that my vagina had now become a “hostile” environment and that all sperm are dying as soon as they hit the ground running. At that moment I was unsure if I should feel great shame and remorse for killing Marks sperm or total embarrassment for having a “hostile” vagina. For gods sake…what was the good news? She then told me that this was easily solved by just “bypassing” the vagina all together and “shooting” the sperm directly beyond the cervix. I asked if this required some sort of protective gear and padding on Marks part to achieve and she assured me once again “it was no big deal” all we had to do was show up to the clinic on day 14 and she would take care of the rest.
Day 14 was a sunny Saturday in July, so we went on our Saturday to the clinic and they ask Mark for a “deposit” so they could “wash” and “spin” his sperm before the arranged “drop off”….I wanted to be a big girl about this, my husband in the other room at the doctor’s office, making his deposit, I even tried to help him make the deposit but was politely told by him to leave, because it was too much pressure. So I waited and waited, pacing and when he finally emerged handing the cup through the window to the lab nurse I quickly ran to the window and shouted into the lab “Did he give enough? I don’t want to have to do this again!” She looked at me a bit astonished, as did the rest of the crew, and nicely assured me that it was more than enough and that he was not expected to actually fill the whole cup…phew I thought, good thing. Yes looking back I am ashamed and sorry for my behavior…poor Mark, 6 months of meds had taken their toll and raging lunatic had officially set in.
For the next round, the part where the doctor actually inserts the sperm, not Mark, I wanted to make it as calming as possible, I wore my lucky sweater (in July) and we hit the switch on the boom box to play Ricky Lee Jones “We Belong Together”, I had dimmed the lights and as Mark looked into my eyes and held my hand the doctor said…ok we are done here! Lay here for about 20 minutes and then go home and lay down some more…I will see you in two weeks…and that was it…just like that…no padding or heavy equipment needed…it really was “no big deal”.
The next morning I woke up and turned to Mark and said…oh my god…it worked, it really worked, we are going to have this one. With great compassion and hesitancy he told me he believed me but not to get my hopes up, that it could take several times and besides, it had been only one day…but no matter what he said, I knew he or she had really arrived. 9 months later Annie arrived, safe and sound...no big deal.
Life lesson # 15 - It is important to believe in something greater then ourselves...with a little faith we can get through the "big deal" stuff.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
"What do Mopeds and chubby girls have in common?" - Why if my skin is sooooo thin is my ass so big - the High School Years
One high school afternoon my new " good friend" did me a favor and asked a particular young high school boy I had been "seeing" why he did not seem to be speaking to me anymore. His response was simple "What do Mopeds and chubby girls have in common? They are both fun to ride until someone sees you on one!"
Ahhhhh another high school feel good scenario. After my new " good friend" relayed this young mans response word for word, I remember trying to hold in the searing pain that ran through my stomach and responded "Excuse me? Why would he tell you that terrible joke?" Praying deep inside that I was just being over sensitive once again and that surely there was some other deeper meaning to this riddle. My new "good friend" replied with a small smirk "that was all he said when I asked about you, oh yeah , annnnnnd he said, 'think about it, once other people knew that we were hanging out it had to be over, please tell her not to try to talk to me anymore.'" She then told me she thought I had really pretty green eyes and flitted off to socialize with the other high school kids.
I wanted to melt into the ground and never return. I quickly looked around at the growing crowd of giddy, tiny, high school girls and then down at my 16 year old thighs thinking to myself "Well, I am chubby". It was then I vow ed not to eat for the rest of the week or at least swallow my food. "I will get really skinny," I dreamed "and then he will want to be with me and I will ignore him. I will show him!"
I proceeded to leave by myself ,trying to see through the flow of searing tears that I allowed to emerge after I quietly slipped away from the gathering of "friends". I drove straight to the gas station, as if on auto pilot, to purchase a King Size Baby Ruth and regular size Peanut Buttercup that were both finished before I reached home. In hind sight, I am all too grateful for my irrational vomit phobia.
Once I reached home I ignored all hellos from my mother and laid catatonic on my bed reliving that moment over and over again. Completely ashamed and now punishing myself for the candy bar consumption it then suddenly occurred to me that my new "good friend" maybe did not have to tell me the whole story and in my loop of instant replays her smirk, blond hair and small thighs become more apparent and my hunger for sugar or maybe some chips increased. Double owie.
Life lesson #12 Kids can be cruel and that's all there is to say about that
Life lesson # 13 Listen and internalize only that which makes sense, no matter how difficult to hear, as long as it is said with love and compassion - then you get to choose to act or ignore
Life Lesson #14 Ahimsa - if we all could practice non-violence towards ourselves, perhaps we would not have to live out nonproductive, self fulfilling prophecies.
Ahhhhh another high school feel good scenario. After my new " good friend" relayed this young mans response word for word, I remember trying to hold in the searing pain that ran through my stomach and responded "Excuse me? Why would he tell you that terrible joke?" Praying deep inside that I was just being over sensitive once again and that surely there was some other deeper meaning to this riddle. My new "good friend" replied with a small smirk "that was all he said when I asked about you, oh yeah , annnnnnd he said, 'think about it, once other people knew that we were hanging out it had to be over, please tell her not to try to talk to me anymore.'" She then told me she thought I had really pretty green eyes and flitted off to socialize with the other high school kids.
I wanted to melt into the ground and never return. I quickly looked around at the growing crowd of giddy, tiny, high school girls and then down at my 16 year old thighs thinking to myself "Well, I am chubby". It was then I vow ed not to eat for the rest of the week or at least swallow my food. "I will get really skinny," I dreamed "and then he will want to be with me and I will ignore him. I will show him!"
I proceeded to leave by myself ,trying to see through the flow of searing tears that I allowed to emerge after I quietly slipped away from the gathering of "friends". I drove straight to the gas station, as if on auto pilot, to purchase a King Size Baby Ruth and regular size Peanut Buttercup that were both finished before I reached home. In hind sight, I am all too grateful for my irrational vomit phobia.
Once I reached home I ignored all hellos from my mother and laid catatonic on my bed reliving that moment over and over again. Completely ashamed and now punishing myself for the candy bar consumption it then suddenly occurred to me that my new "good friend" maybe did not have to tell me the whole story and in my loop of instant replays her smirk, blond hair and small thighs become more apparent and my hunger for sugar or maybe some chips increased. Double owie.
Life lesson #12 Kids can be cruel and that's all there is to say about that
Life lesson # 13 Listen and internalize only that which makes sense, no matter how difficult to hear, as long as it is said with love and compassion - then you get to choose to act or ignore
Life Lesson #14 Ahimsa - if we all could practice non-violence towards ourselves, perhaps we would not have to live out nonproductive, self fulfilling prophecies.
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